OK, so it's not exactly what you think. This blog is rated PG, maybe PG-13 at best, but this playful warning still stands.
And so the story goes ...
To celebrate the kids' successful adaptation to Vietnamese school, I scheduled a massage at a resort at the hard to beat price of $22 for 75 minutes. Their spa services menu included relaxation and Swedish massages, but I like deep tissue, so I went down the list and saw Thai massage. I thought it was another level of strength offered, so I booked one for myself. I even confirmed with the receptionist over the phone yesterday that it was a "stronger" massage.
I eagerly arrive this afternoon for my much-needed massage. Never having a Thai massage before and honestly just thinking it was a Swedish massage with a little more muscle, I asked the massage therapist what a Thai massage was. She responded that she doesn't use any oil and stretches out my arms. OK, I thought ... I don't need oil and a good stretch sounds good. Oh boy, I had no idea what the next 75 minutes would entail!

At first, my massage therapist started out by standing by my feet as I lay on my stomach and applying heavy pressure on my legs. Then, the 95 pound woman whom I would get know intimately over the next 75 minutes, climbed onto the massage table. I knew I was in trouble when I felt her stepping on my butt cheek as she lifted my leg off the table (top right photo). Then she knelt on the back of my thighs and pulled my arms back (bottom right photo). After that, she pushed on my back and I heard a huge crack! Have you heard the sound of someone cracking crab legs? Well, those sounds came from my back, then my knees, elbows, fingers, toes, hands, etc.
I literally laughed out loud several times at the crazy Cirque de Soleil positions my new best friend contorted my body into. At one point, I was lying on my back as my massage therapist pushed my legs, which were folded in Indian style, so my knees touched my forehead. Yes, I was in all of the positions in the above photos.
After about 50 minutes of cracking, twisting, grunts of surprise, and stretching, she lulled me into a relaxed state by massaging my head. Once relaxed, I felt her put her right hand on my forehead and her left hand on the left side of my chin, then she quickly pushed her hands and all I heard was a huge crack. Before I knew what happened, I heard a second crack as she turned my head the other way. Neck was thoroughly cracked! The sound was incredibly scary, but my neck felt great afterwards.
I have to say the strangest thing my massage therapist did was pull my hair. She went back for a second round of head massaging, then stopped. I wasn't sure if the massage was over or if she found a grey hair, then I felt this weird tugging and heard snapping sounds in my head. I asked what she was doing and she matter-of-factly replied, hair tugging. I guess there's a first time for everything.
I survived my first Thai massage and learned my lesson that you should Google what things are before signing up for them. My body actually feels incredibly limber thanks to this afternoon's spa adventure, in fact, I'm writing this blog post while doing the splits.